Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Rating Ratings

Brian Regan jokes about answering his nurse in the ER when she asks him to "rate his pain". He shrugs and says, "two enthusiastic thumbs up? Four stars?" There is a rating for everything now. If you want to buy a car you can look up safety ratings, if you want to stay in a hotel you can find out how many "stars" it is, and of course there are movie guide books of all kinds from Roger Ebert or Leonard Maltin to Bubba Joe's Favort Picher Shows (don't waste time Googling, I made it up for goodness sake!) Each has its own rating system from 1 star (*) to four stars (****) . They have their own ideas for the worst movies, too. Some just say "No stars". Some call them a "turkey" and others call them a "BOMB". If I had my own movie book I would call really bad movies "Donkey turd" or maybe "VOMIT". I've also thought about using names that denote banality and awfulness to describe my feelings for a crapfest I wasted an hour plus and a few bills on. For instance something like Benchwarmers, so bad it hurts to type it, I would give the rating "Hillary", or for Oprah's Beloved, like tiny shards of glass in the retina, I would give the rating "Bolton" (as in Michael Bolton). You could use "Affleck" or "Keanu", or for a very bold statement "Begala".

Rolling Stone apparently thought four stars wasn't enough to describe some "classic" albums so they kicked it up a notch to FIVE stars which I thought only applied to The Waldorf Astoria or Army generals. But, since Rolling Stone is run by pinko commies I doubt they would give General George S. Patton five stars. I don't think he was much of a dancer and if casting George C. Scott to play the General is any indication, his singing voice was probably awful! Plus he hated commies, so I'm guessing he probably would get 2 stars (**)- one for Sicily and the other for George C. Scott's Oscar.

I think I should give some examples of how I would rate stuff. Let's start simple with the albums of U2.

Boy- ****
October- ***1/2 (this is like saying I'm too timid to give it four stars but I liked it more than a "good" three stars. It's an easy voting for Zel Miller)
War- ****
The Unforgettable Fire- ***1/2
The Joshua Tree- ***** (hey, if Rolling Stone can, then so can I!)
Rattle and Hum- ****
Achtung Baby- *****
Zooropa- **1/2
Pop- ***
All That You Can't Leave Behind- ***1/2
How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb- ***1/2


carrots- **1/2
green beans- ***1/2
broccoli- ****
asparagus- **
(mashed) ****
(baked) ****
(steak fries) ***
(McDonald's fries) *****
squash- **
brussel sprouts- CELINE DION (just thought of that one)

Mary Poppins songs:

"Spoonful Of Sugar"- ****
"I Love To Laugh"- ***1/2
"Let's Go Fly a Kite"- ****
"Chim-Chim Charee"- *****
"Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious"- **1/2 (very overplayed and thus overrated)
"Feed The Birds"- **** (totally underrated if you think about it)


Anonymous said...

That's almost exactly how I would rate the U2 albums, 'cept I would give War and ATYCLB each 4 and a half and The Unforgettable Fire 4. I can't believe you wouldn't give that'n at least 4. What'n the hellsamatter with you? She told me right back there in my study what she was doin'. I know it!

Dignan said...

The Unforgettable Fire is like an incomplete album. It has two of my favorite U2 songs, Bad and the title track but it also has a few experiments instead of actual songs like "Elvis And America" and "4th of July" so as a total album I say three and three quarter stars as Ed McMahon would say.

Anonymous said...

Let's add to the list:
-Darlene and Uva
-Gold - the person not the metal
-Bucharia - I don't think ratings could get much worse than that one but Hilary is pretty similar.
-John Ritter
-Houston - The person AND the place
-Pearl Jam
-We could use an inverse ratings system "Buckets of Blood" where 4 buckets would be really bad and 1 would be a tolerable movie.

Dignan said...

So a Tarantino movie which has "buckets of blood" would actually be rated 4 buckets of blood? Nifty.


Anonymous said...

The J tree is o so scrumpdilly

Anonymous said...

Word to tha Mothership. Best album of the 80s, hands down.