Thursday, November 29, 2007

Kids say the darndest things!

I asked my ten-year-old what she thought about the current negative feelings about the economy as illustrated by recent polling in the New York Times and other media outlets.
She said "Negative about what? Inflation is low, unemployment is almost negligible by statistical standards being in the 4s percentage-wise and home ownership is still at an all-time high in spite of all the foreclosures. The 'negativity' you speak of is just a media fabrication used to criticize this administration for political reasons and has nothing to do with any factual data"
I just chuckled to myself thinking that most of that "negative feeling" is just from not taking Zoloft. Heheh, kids....

So another day I decided to ask my eight-year-old about the fears of global warming.
Here's how she responded:

"If anyone had the ability to change sun spot activity then there's a possiblity humans are responsible for any slight warming trend over the last century, which is debateable in itself. I would have to believe that any variation within one or two degrees would have to fall within the margin of error, wouldn't you? It seems highly cynical and classless to politicize the weather, because no matter what it does someone out there will blame it on global warming and blame humanity when there is no way to actually measure the amount of greenhouse gases caused by nature itself which would include water vapor as the most massive contributor. If they don't know how much it rains or how much cloud activity there will be at any given time then those computer models predicting ice cap melting and seas overflowing in a decade's time are flawed and unreliable. And if Gore wanted to be taken seriously he would have debated a scientist or two by now. Evading open discussion or debate only makes many people like myself all the more skeptical."

Oh, really, I thought, computers? I didn't really know what she was talking about. I remain convinced that it's only gotten a bit warmer because the tortoise with Earth on his back waddled a little closer to the sun this time. No biggie. Those kids, though, funny stuff.

So just this morning I asked my four-year-old what she thought about the upcoming Presidential race. Here's what she said:

"I want ogurt. I want ogurt. I want ogurt. I want ogurt. I want ogurt. I WANT OGURT!!! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. I want ogurt. Daddy, can I have ogurt? Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy, DADDY!!!!"

Me too, kid, me too.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Get yer Phil!

Let's get ready to RUMBLE!

Dr. Phil

Puxatawny Phil

Do I really need to hash this out? I mean, isn't it really obvious? Ok, then here it is. Dr. Phil opens his mouth and releases one annoying syllable and that's all it takes for the groundhog to lunge through the air and scratch the phony shrink's eyes out. "Dr." Phil falls to the ground dead with an earth-shattering thud, Puxatawny Phil sees the massive hulk of a shadow, jumps back in his hole, six years of winter! Really, didn't we all see that one coming?

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Another Mismatch

By popular request another "Mismatch":

Gene Simmons


Richard Simmons

The Demon lunges at Richard but slides right off the three inch layer of grease covering the disco aerobic superstar. Richard does a few girly leg kicks to the back of Gene's head while singing "I'm gonna sweat and roll all night, and disco every day!" This enfuriates Gene who quickly gets to his feet and puts out one of Richard's eyes with his unnatural demon tongue. Richard of course never breaks stride with his signature smile and extremely non-masculine aerobics, but it's only a ruse. Gene spits blood and spews fire at the "patron mascot of gay threads" setting the greaseball alight, his afro shooting bonfire-like flames into the sky. Gene calmly calls his agent and prepares for another "reunion world tour". Alas, if only another similarly named celeb could put us all out of our misery! Stay tuned...

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving Kung Fu

Happy Thanksgiving! Being in a festive holiday mood I thought it would be a good time to unveil a new game. It's called "Completely Unfair Kung Fu Mismatch For Similarly Named Celebrities" Sounds fun, huh? The first matchup is going to be interesting and "completely unfair":

LeVar Burton


Lavar Arrington

"Take a look, it's in a book"....NFL linebacker squishes Gordy Leforge like a pancake! Nice. I hope you picked the linebacker in that scenario.

Next match:

Dustin Diamond


Neil Diamond

Hmmm, how's this one gonna go down? Got it. Neil slashes Screech's throat with a throwing sequin! "Turned out your heartlight, biatch!"

And now our feature bout, the battle royale cage match between:

Napoleon Dynamite



Well, you would think with his shifty moves, height advantage, and limited knowledge of cage fighting ND would have the upper hand, but the truth is Napoleon is a master tactician and since Bill and Ted brought him to the future he's watched a lot of WWF. He's also watched a bunch of movies and none were worse than "Benchwarmers" so he is visibly angry when he gets into the cage with Heder. The little Corsican lays a Judo death grip on Dynamite, paralyzing him instantly....unfortunately that's not a legal move and the dictator is banished to St. Helena for eternity. Darn.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Media Anxiety Disorder

Do you ever go for a few days or weeks without watching the news and then you have no idea what's going on in the world? You go to work one Monday and you're like "Burt and Lonnie got a divorce?!" Everyone around is wondering why your haircut and shoes are relatively up to date and you aren't wearing a bolo tie. Which reminds me...

3 things that seemed really great at the time but now we wonder why they ever happened:

Bolo ties
Astro turf
Joni and Chachi

Are there certain songs you used to really like, maybe very good songs, that now you loathe passionately because they remind you of something or somoeone you'd rather NOT remember?
Like the song you were enjoying right before your transmission went out that time, and now if it's ever playing at Quizno's while you're eating your Angus Steak you get a sudden tightness in your stomach reminiscing about having to put $1800 on your credit card and the smell of that cheap, dingy hotel you had to stay in while it was being fixed because you were on a road trip 300 miles from home.
-Or the one that comes on periodically that you absolutely loved in your younger days because you and your sweetie-pie chose it to be "our song" and now it just reminds you of how that special someone dumped you so you could "just be friends" assuring you repeatedly that "it's not you, it's me" but had no problem making out with someone who wasn't "just a friend" two weeks later at the prom!
-Or the one that played every single friggin' day over the Muzak in the department store you worked in for a whole year and now every time you hear it you feel like you're back folding crappy Bugle Boy apparel and straightening ties for an hour straight, or whatever you had to straighten.
Please let me know if I left any particular painful memory out.