Sunday, March 7, 2010

Academy Blunders

(Vampires are the favorite horror genre, thanks for voting.)

In case you didn't know the Academy Awards is on today. I don't watch them anymore mostly because we already have a competition for the mentally challenged we call the Special Olympics and those people actually deserve the awards they get since they actually accomplished something. But since they get all gussied up in Hollywood and hand out little trophies to each other for the most convincing make believe I figure I will give my two cents on some recent choices I believe should have gone another direction.

"Wait, Dignan," you say, "didn't you already take the Oscars to task on this blog? I seem to remember reading this before." To which I respond...."hahahahaha, you have to be kidding, nobody reads anything around here!"

Actually I did take a look at past awards in the major categories, including a year- by-year of the Best Picture winners and what should have won, if you have the "point and click" fortitude to look it up. But this is different. The past few years there have been some films win Best Picture when the ones I would have rewarded weren't even nominated. Here's a few examples of what I mean:

2008 Best Picture
Actual Winner-Slumdog Millionaire

What should have won?

Balls of Fury

Legend has it that Bruce Lee's original vision for Enter the Dragon was an international ping-pong tournament hosted by a nefarious crime lord at a secret location. The producers had to convince him that the public just wasn't ready for an idea that far ahead of its time. After much inner conflict Bruce decided to make it a kung-fu competition and the results were pretty good. But finally, the original vision has been brought to the screen and you can see why Bruce wasn't completely satisfied with his downgraded version.
They created this masterwork with the talents of Paul Rodriguez as Agent Lopez...I mean, sorry, George Lopez as Agent Rodriguez, Aisha Tyler in some sexy outfits and a blowdart gun, and some pudgy funny guy who ISN'T Jonah Hill. But what makes the movie work so well is the villain played by Christopher Walken. It is a shame after so many years of work he couln't earn an Oscar for this role which is easily the best he's had since The Deer Hunter. Shame on you Academy. I am furious that you didn't have the balls to award Balls of Fury!!!

2006 Best Picture
Actual winner- The Departed

What should have won?

Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby

C'mon man! Do I really need to explain why this movie should have won? Everybody who has seen it knows it was the best movie of that year. Everybody and their third cousin can quote Ricky Bobby's prayer to baby Jesus! Anyway, if there's one thing you know about me it's probably that I LOVE movies about NASCAR. It's really a toss-up between this one and Herbie: Fully Loaded which has arguably the best performance of Lindsay Lohan's career since that Parent Trap remake I can't seem to watch enough. Some weekends when I just don't want to get out of bed and face the world, I pop some Lite popcorn, open up some Ginger Ale with a twist of lemon and watch the new Parent Trap all day long.........but, I digress. Will Farrell should have won best actor and Sasha Baron Cohen should have won best supporting actor as the gay French race car guy (that was a redundant description don't you think?) and Amy Adams should win best actress every year for every movie she's in! The kids were named Walker and Texas Ranger! I don't remember anything in Scorsese's movie as clever as that! Oscars, you make me sick!

2005 Best Picture
Actual winner- Crash

What should have won?

Wedding Crashers

Who cares about a bunch of racists and how much they can be racist and stuff? That Crash movie didn't even make sense. But Wedding Crashers, that was pure movie heaven. I think Rachel McAdams should win an Oscar for every movie she's in every year. Once again Christopher Walken turns in his best performance since the headless horseman in Sleepy Hollow or at least that Fatboy Slim video where he flies through the air. Oh, and guess who else is in this classic? Will Farrell! I'm seeing a pattern somehow. I don't know what that means, I just like sounding smart like my friends. This movie was as much fun as Marley and Me without that stupid dog. You suck Academy Awards!

And the 2009 winner won't be Next Day Air or Zombieland because neither was nominated. What have we become I ask you? It is know, like the funny guy with a lisp in the Princess Bride movie! I'm always saying funny things like that.