Monday, March 31, 2008

You know, for kids!

I thought of a brilliant new idea for Disney to market and make bazillions from. As if they need another bazillion. But anyway, the Disney princess thing has really taken off. Cinderella, Ariel, Jasmine, Sleeping Beauty, etc. You see the combos on everything from sleeping bags and comforters to birthday balloons and backpacks. I thought it could use a new, exciting direction. New, bold, and exciting and did I mention NEW?!!! I call it- Disney's Angels!
Ariel with a harpoon gun, Cinderella with a glass shiv, Princess Aurora with her throwing spindles, and Mulan with...whatever Mulan already carries. These are damsels in distress no longer but damsels who give distress and ask questions later! Snow White? How about Snow BITE!! Don't cross these ladies or you'll get the cross-bow! Wicked Stepmothers better watch yo back! These Angels don't play! Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the baddest b*tch of all?! Belle!!

Coming to a lunch box near you. The "A" team of the future, Disney's Angels! (Man, I should learn to use photoshop.)


-meets this:

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

March Madness is HERE!

My second favorite sports event of the year after the college bowl season is March Madness. The Super Bowl would be a close third. If you're like me you probably haven't watched a single game all year, but now that it's bracket time you all put on your Doug Gottlieb thinking caps, get pumped up with your best Dick Vitale impression, and fill out the "perfect bracket". Yeah, sure. I mean we ALL had George Mason in the Final Four didn't we?

My favorite part about filling out the NCAA Basketball Tournament bracket is finding out there are actually colleges called Sienna or Drake or Belmont or The University of Southwestern Illinois State Polythechnic Military College University in Springfield, or as the kids call it USISPMCUS. (For those low on the sarcasm curve, I made that one up...ok, moving on). And whoever heard of Elon? Isn't that some kind of alien lifeform from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine? How on earth do I pick a winner? Sure, Elon may go in as a 16 seed but if they ARE aliens they could jump right over Kansas or North Carolina like they had Flubberized shoes from that scene in The Absent-Minded Professor? I don't have this information so there goes my "Bracket-Buster"!

(Elon isn't even in the tourney, but Portland St. wouldn't have worked for that hypothesis.)

I still think those guys from George Mason were from another planet. Oh, gotta go, there are a couple of men in black suits at the front door. Must be those dang Mormons again! Anyway, enjoy the tournament and the only form of gambling you can get away with at work...unless your name is Rick Neuheisal.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The Top Five Worst Directors!

When thinking of these celluloid wastes I knew that it would be necessary to explain why king schlockmeister Edward D. Wood Jr. did not make the list. Fact is anyone who knows movies knows Ed Wood is THE worst movie director of all time, but because he is the "king" his movies are actually far more entertaining in their awfulness than those by the group of hackneyed talent vaccums I will be throwing under the bus. Actually, Plan 9 From Outer Space is one of the funniest things I've ever watched, nevermind that to Ed Wood the story was supposed to be taken seriously. And The Sinister Urge? Funniest episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 EVER! Anyway, here is my list of guys you should know to keep your money from at all costs.

5. Brian DePalma- The self-proclaimed "king of the erotic thriller" or some such nonsense, DePalma is still popular and in my book overrated. Yes he directed The Untouchables which I like a lot and Carlito's Way which I also like, but then he also directed Mission To Mars, Body Double, Femme Fatale, and probably the most overhyped film ever, Scarface (no, not the one with Paul Muni from the 30s!) Pacino's "cuban" accent is so thick I could use it to spike my hair. The dialogue is so bad I can't believe Al stooped low enough to speak it. Another overrated film was Blow Out with John Travolta. I had heard such glowing reviews I couldn't believe I was watching the right film. But compared to the rest on this list DePalma is Orson Welles!

4. Renny Harlin- Haven't heard much from Renny lately, and thank God for that. He's responsible for ultra violent and ultra stupid movies like Cliffhanger and Deep Blue Sea. That's right, Deep Blue Sea, which had Renny all confused, because audiences thought it was supposed to be a comedy. So, I wasn't supposed to laugh when Sam Jackson became shark bait, Renny? See, Ed Wood isn't alone.

3. Joel Schumacher- He started off with a bang- D.C. Cab , cashing in on the Mr. T fever sweeping the country, then he turned to more serious work with St. Elmo's Fire and The Lost Boys. The road to Oscar was just beginning. Then Flatliners (refueling our brat-pack addiction) and Dying Young (great name for a Schumacher film, but a better name would have been Dying Early, and Often) But he really showed us his eye for great filmmaking with Batman Forever and especially Batman and Robin. Nipples anyone?

2. John Woo- Before he came to America to make his pistol pumping action formulas I had heard how good he was. I watched Hard Boiled which was excessive to say the least and gave me a headache, but The Killer was much better so I expected him to make cool movies here where he would have much more to work with. Boy, did he take advantage! First he did Hard Target with the greatest action star this side of Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude VanDamme! Then he did Broken Arrow and decided Christian Slater could do action too.....mmmmkay. Then he blew up the whole action genre with his masterpiece- Face/Off or as a friend of mine called it Far/Fetched. Forget the plot, just know that it is really cool to watch John Travolta pretend to be Nicolas Cage. I totally believed it could happen, totally. Woo didn't rest on his laurels though, nosirreee! He made Mission Impossible 2 which actually WAS impossible this time and then recognized the mind-blowing talent of Ben Affleck and made Paycheck. If only it had been the musical biography of Johnny Paycheck and his mega-hit "Take This Job and Shove It"! That I would pay to see.

And now the number one WORST movie director (drumroll, snare, hi-hat)

1. Michael Bay- One word, Armageddon. Need I say more? Really? OK then, Con-Air. What? Want more? Alrighty, The Rock, Pearl Harbor, and The Island. His camera style I like to call "shake and hurl" (because it causes nausea) has been used so much I suspect he gets some sort of huge kickback from Dramamine! Oh yeah, and they made a song about how bad he sucks in Team America: World Police. It's pretty well established at this point: Stay away from Michael Bay! (nice rhyme, huh?)

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Daylight Award: Best Picture

I have decided to limit the choices to the last 25 years and there are some very worthy contenders in that time frame.

Dances With Wolves
Saving Private Ryan

O, Brother Where Art Thou?
The Shawshank Redemption
The Lord of the Rings trilogy

and many, many more.

But when I think of the most powerful film in this era and one of the greatest films ever in any era the choice was simple....

The Daylight Award for "The Best Picture of this generation" goes to:

Schindler's List

Spielberg's greatest achievement is difficult to watch more than once but has an impact like few films can because it is true. I must confess that I cannot watch the end without a few tears. I can't believe I don't own it on DVD! Anyway, that does it for this year's Daylight Awards.