Friday, April 25, 2008

Alternate Endings 3.0

For some real fun go back and read my other Alternate Endings posts. Funny stuff. (As if anything on this blog ISN'T funny, I mean, C'MON!)


Welders fix the hole in the hull and the ship makes it safely to NYC. Billy Zane shoots DiCRAPio between the eyes and Kate Winslet spends the rest of her life in a miserable, loveless marriage. And Celine Dion refuses to sing for the soundtrack now that Winslet's heart apparently will NOT "go on". Oh well.

Finding Nemo



William Wallace escapes from his cell by tunneling under the castle using a bone from a steak he ate. In a super slo-mo montage with Guns 'n Roses music he ties a bandana around his head, covers himself in mud, and loads up his M-60. He steals a tank and plows through the castle defenses and blows away that midget jester with some machine gun bursts and seven or eight cannon blasts. The rest of the ending is so violent it gets slapped with an NC-17 rating and is only released in Cambodia where it gets mixed reviews. (I think that was because of the kilts.)

War of the Roses

They sign a prenup. Oh, sorry, that was an alternate beginning.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Know your candidate

I heard some funny quotes about John McCain's age. He's older than Disney World. He's older than plutonium. He's even older than color TV and FM radio! So since I already know about ten things McCain is older than, I thought we should take a look at the other two presidential candidates.

Top Ten people smarter than Barak Obama

1. His wife
2. Hillary Clinton
3. Howard Stern
4. An average Wal-Mart greeter
5. Fabio
6. Oprah Winfrey
7. Ross Perot
8. Anyone who's ever heard of a capital gains tax
9. Anyone who's ever read the U.S. Constitution
10. Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Top Ten things less attractive than Hillary Clinton

1. Helen Thomas
2. Madeline Albright
3. Thereza Heinz-Kerry
4. The average wart hog
Ok, so I guess 10 was a bit too optimistic for that one.