Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday Leftovers

("I'm just sayin'" and "it is what it is" drew a tie for "Most Overused Throw-Away Phrase". Thanks for playing)

It is the day after the big day. You have all those leftovers to enjoy like Turkey sandwiches and maybe a little pumpkin pie with your cool whip. So here's some leftover recycled humor from Daylight's Dauphin's past. Hopefully all that time in the fridge made the flavors even funnier. Enjoy!

Rating Ratings (July 2008)
Brian Regan jokes about answering his nurse in the ER when she asks him to "rate his pain". He shrugs and says, "two enthusiastic thumbs up? Four stars?" There is a rating for everything now. If you want to buy a car you can look up safety ratings, if you want to stay in a hotel you can find out how many "stars" it is, and of course there are movie guide books of all kinds from Roger Ebert or Leonard Maltin to Bubba Joe's Favort Picher Shows (don't waste time Googling, I made it up for goodness sake!)

Each has its own rating system from 1 star (*) to four stars (****) . They have their own ideas for the worst movies, too. Some just say "No stars". Some call them a "turkey" and others call them a "BOMB". If I had my own movie book I would call really bad movies "Donkey turd" or maybe "VOMIT". I've also thought about using names that denote banality and awfulness to describe my feelings for a crapfest I wasted an hour plus and a few bills on. For instance something like Benchwarmers, so bad it hurts to type it, I would give the rating "Hillary", or for Oprah's Beloved, like tiny shards of glass in the retina, I would give the rating "Bolton" (as in Michael Bolton). You could use "Affleck" or "Keanu", or for a very bold statement "Begala".

Rolling Stone apparently thought four stars wasn't enough to describe some "classic" albums so they kicked it up a notch to FIVE stars which I thought only applied to The Waldorf Astoria or Army generals. But, since Rolling Stone is run by pinko commies I doubt they would give General George S. Patton five stars. I don't think he was much of a dancer and if casting George C. Scott to play the General is any indication, his singing voice was probably awful! Plus he hated commies, so I'm guessing he probably would get 2 stars (**)- one for Sicily and the other for George C. Scott's Oscar.

I think I should give some examples of how I would rate stuff. Let's start simple with the albums of U2.

Boy- ****
October- ***1/2 (this is like saying I'm too timid to give it four stars but I liked it more than a "good" three stars. It's an easy voting for Zel Miller)
War- ****
The Unforgettable Fire- ***1/2
The Joshua Tree- ***** (hey, if Rolling Stone can, then so can I!)
Rattle and Hum- ****
Achtung Baby- *****
Zooropa- **1/2
Pop- ***
All That You Can't Leave Behind- ***1/2
How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb- ***1/2
No Line On The Horizon- ****


carrots- **1/2
green beans- ***1/2
broccoli- ****
asparagus- **
(mashed) ****
(baked) ****
(steak fries) ***
(McDonald's fries) *****
squash- **
brussel sprouts- CELINE DION (just thought of that one)

Mary Poppins songs:

"Spoonful Of Sugar"- ****
"I Love To Laugh"- ***1/2
"Let's Go Fly a Kite"- ****
"Chim-Chim Charee"- *****
"Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious"- **1/2 (very overplayed and thus overrated)
"Feed The Birds"- **** (totally underrated if you think about it)

Sunday, November 8, 2009

My favorite football helmets: college

(Old Yeller wins "favorite dog movie" in the latest poll. I'm surprised not one person voted for Marley and Me....including me.)

(Back to the Future wins "favorite time travel movie" in a landslide. Thanks for voting!)

As it was with my favorite pro helmets, less is more. I like the traditional, not too fancy, images of college football. I will say up front that I HATE orange, so apologies to Syracuse, Clemson, and the Florida Gators who actually have a cool helmet with the classic script, but I couldn't do it. And obviously I have no love for Auburn or Tennessee. Here are the ones that stand out to me:

10. Florida State Seminoles

In ESPN's helmet clash, this helmet was the overwhelming favorite, so I felt I should include it here. The arrow is a classic look.

9. Ohio State Buckeyes

As much as it pains me to include this Big Ten media darling, I have to admit the helmets are a college football classic. The helmet stickers are a cool tradition, and since there are so many schools with gold helmets it is also nice to see one represent in silver.

8. Air Force Falcons

Simple imagary. C'mon who doesn't love the lightning bolt?

7. Georgia Bulldogs

Like their pro counterparts, the Green Bay Packers they made this "G" font legendary.

6. Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Helmet paint with real gold in it. NO logos, no frills, just the most famous gold helmet on the planet. But the team still stinks, haha.

5. Texas Longhorns

Another team I hate to give any love to, but these are great helmets. The solid white without a center stripe and the simple logo make these some of the coolest helmets in college ball.

4. Nebraska Cornhuskers

I give lots of credit for schools that stick with their guns and never change the helmet. Well, Nebraska did make one change, they dropped the letter "U" years ago but I love the fact that they never hyped up the letter "N". It is still the same simple old-fashioned font. They are THE red and white team, and this helmet is certainly one of the most recognizable in sports.

3. UCLA Bruins

I usually have very little nice to say about the PAC-10, but these helmets are excellent. Actually, the whole uniform may be the best looking in sports. The blue and gold look fantastic, and I love the classic script on the helmet too. Makes me wonder why Pitt changed theirs, and now have one of the worst helmets in college.

2. Penn State Nittany Lions

Talk about sticking to your guns! I love the fact that no other team in all of football can claim the white helmet with no logo whatsoever. Just put a nice navy stripe down the center and you have the most classic helmet in sports. Well, except for one that is...

1. Alabama Crimson Tide

Well, duh! Who did you think would be numero uno on this blog? Bama's are the ones with the numbers still on the helmet. While everybody else eventually removed their numbers (including Penn State, I believe) we decided to be THE school to stay with tradition. Crimson is much more aggressive and beautiful than red in my opinion, and the white stripe just makes it that much better. Roll Tide!

Monday, November 2, 2009

My Favorite Football helmets: Pro

(By the narrowest of margins The Beatles edged out Pink Floyd for "greatest classic rock group ever" in the latest poll. Thanks for participating.)

This list has nothing to do with teams that I go for or how many super bowls they have won. It has nothing to do with who owns the team or plays for the team. It is simply a subjective look at the famous helmets worn by these teams. I am at heart a traditionalist so I am sorry in advance to the Jaguars and the Titans (who have the worst helmet in my opinion) for not including them. I like old school. I like classic. I like simple. These are my top ten favorite pro football helmets.

Honorable mention:
Philadelphia Eagles

Nice strong color and the wings are definitely a classic look. Makes me hungry for a cheesesteak!

10. Pittsburgh Steelers

Let's get the state of Pennsylvania out of the way with the first two on my list. I don't care for the team or even the colors that much but I like the way the logo is on one side of the helmet. Very old school and that's cool.

9. Miami Dolphins

That dolphin with the helmet is one of the best images in sports to me. I heard rumors years ago that they were going to change it but I wouldn't dream of it if I were in charge. It's a classic.

8. Green Bay Packers

No top ten list of pro footbal helmets should leave this one out. It is the image of Vince Lomabardi, Bart Starr, and Paul Hornung. It's THE classic pro football helmet. I don't know which came first, the Green Bay "G" or the Georgia Bulldog "G", but they are both classics.

7. San Diego Chargers

The Chargers helmets worn by Dan Fouts and those early teams were pretty cool, but then they changed to a darker blue in the 90s which I never liked. These new helmets however are the coolest ones yet. I love the white helmet with the blue and yellow combo bolts. Very easy on the eyes.

6. New York Jets

The old Jets helmets from the 80s were some of the worst. But these new ones which are a modified version of the original Jets helmets worn by Broadway Joe and company are very cool. I like the color and the print. Classy and unpretentious.

5. Atlanta Falcons (throwback)

I have never been a fan of the new black Falcons helmet. When they broke out these throwbacks a few weeks ago I couldn't take my eyes off of them. They should definitely go back to the red helmets. They are awesome!

4. Indianapolis Colts

Johnny Unitas and the black hightops. This is simple and classic. Like the Penn State of the Pros.

3. Denver Broncos (throwback)

I have nothing against the new Broncos helmets which are cool, but these classic helmets John Elway wore most often are one of my favorites. The "D" and the old school bronco are much nicer to look at than the new ones, I think.

2. New York Giants

Man, what a good looking helmet! It's all about the red stripe. Those are strong, nice looking colors. Much better than the old 80s version with the word "GIANTS", and NO red stripe!

1. Dallas Cowboys

No matter how you feel about Jerra or the showboatin' teams of the 90s this is by far the best looking helmet in all of football and one of the most recognizable images in all of sports. The star is perfect, the silver is classic. Other teams wish they had a logo that simple and that cool.

I know I made somebody angry, so let me hear what you think. Which helmet is your favorite?