Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Alternate Endings

Many DVDs these days offer lots of behind the scenes stuff for movies. Some even have alternate endings which is just a big neon sign saying "We couldn't afford a decent screenwriter" or "We have no idea what we're doing" from the producers. I thought of some ways to end a few classic and non-classic films. Beware, spoilers ahead!

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Caratacus Potts takes the old hunk o' junk to get a tune-up and a valve job. Now they just call him "Vroom".

Home Alone

The parents are arrested and little Macauley is taken away by child services. At least that would have prevented Home Alone 2...and 3!


Instead of miraculously jumping the missing space in the bridge the bus actually falls through, crashes into the pavement, and the bomb explodes. End of movie.


Instead of floating through the air for twenty minutes and finding land, the balloon crashes into the studio wall painted like the sky (kinda like the one in The Truman Show) and the producers give up putting money into that sinkhole of a stupid idea for a movie.

The Matrix

Keanu Reeves finds out he's "The One" and uses his magic powers to become a decent actor. Yeah, I know I have a fantastic imagination.

Sleepless In Seattle

Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks get into a NYC cab after just meeting for the first time. Ten minutes later when they find out they have nothing in common and Meg Ryan reveals her hatred for the Cubs, Tom and his son get out of the cab and never see her again. Then she has to crawl back to Bill Pullman on her knees and realizes he's the only man who really loves her for her. And they probably play some sappy romantic song in the background AGAIN!

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

Chief stabs Nurse Ratchett in the neck with a pencil. The End.


It's discovered that a giant meteor is headed straight for earth so they decide to assemble a team...TOO LATE! I mean by the time you realize a meteor is headed straight to earth it's practically there. But original estimates were wrong. It's only about the size of a Volvo and lands directly on Ben Affleck at 700 mph. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves

Everyone realizes Robin is a pansy who can't even speak with a proper English accent and ditches him to follow Morgan Freeman who has BOMBS to blow stuff up, I mean really!

More alternate endings to come.


Anonymous said...

Just becuaaaaaase your tornado siren wakes up the dead DOESN'T MEAN you should give them all ping pong paddles to hit all the dandelions. Mmmmgoy?

Anonymous said...

You know I love the Matrix ending...Maybe he could warp back in movie time and redo Point Break while he's at it. But Bill and Ted's will be the same; it's supposed to be idiotic, so he really doesn't have to act. Kinda like every Tommy Lee Jones flick. Danny