Sunday, December 21, 2008

Christmas Memories

I remember that one year when the lake froze and we walked out on it for the first time. I also remember I had to pee so bad I didn't care about the magic snowman who talked to us and told us he knew Santa Claus personally. I ran home and almost didn't make it, but boy what relief. I never saw my friend Derrick again. Maybe he went with that snowman guy and met the real Santa. Some guys get all the luck.

I remember the Christmas I bought my wife that new Kawasaki gas powered weedeater. She was so thrilled she was speechless. I felt bad for her though, because there was a foot of snow outside and she wouldn't get to actually use it for months. But I was prepared for that. I also got her a new mop and a whole box of rubber gloves. Who loves ya babe?

Probably my best Christmas memory is the time my Uncle Billy misplaced 8000 bucks and I was about to jump off a bridge into an icy river when I was visited by three ghosts, one at 1:00, two at 2:00, and the third was from that Def Leppard video. I told them I walked through the Lincoln tunnel to find my real father and get an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle and if I didn't I was going to steal Christmas, everything from the Who hash to the roast beast. Then they put me on trial for my threats and to prove there was no Santa Claus until the post office intervened by sending Yukon Cornelius to tell me "You'll shoot your eye out kid!" I had no earthly idea what he was talking about. They dismissed the trial but I was back in court only a few weeks later because my delinquent parents flew off to France without me, and also I was sued for assault by two crooks who tried to rob my house. Apparently it isn't legal to burn, impale, shoot, drop an iron on, or threaten with a My neighbor just paid a fine though, for hitting them with a snow shovel, so I feel good about the case. So that was a pretty good Christmas I guess. Oh, and if a train comes down your street to take you to the North Pole and nobody else sees it but you, stay in bed, trust me. It's a nightmare. I think I still have whiplash. Also, while I'm thinking about it, if you see Santa on your roof, don't call out to him or he'll slip and die and you might have to replace him. Stick to Buzz Lightyear and we'll all be better off, thanks.

Happy Christmas memories!

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