Monday, August 2, 2010

The Wost Movies I've Ever Seen

The Worst Movies I've Ever Seen- not the worst movies ever made, because let's face it who has time in their life to compile that list? I don't think I need to tell anybody that Friday the 13th movies suck or whatever Jean-Claude Van Damme did for ten years running.

And I will put another qualifier on this topic. There are worse movies that I've seen than these ten, but they aren't popular or blockbuster type movies and so bringing them up is a waste of time. I can think of some that few people have seen, like The Power of One for example, but I think that's a good thing. This is a list of beloved, over-played flicks which suck that much more because of the undeserved praise and box office payola they received. You may ask why Pearl Harbor isn't on my list...simple, I never saw it! I was smart enough to know better after one preview. Michael Bay + Ben Affleck = cinematic swine flu.

And speaking of that awful combination:


This was picked as the worst movie of the year by either Siskel or Ebert the year it was released. I suggest reading Ebert's review online since it does a much better job of explaining why it sucks than I could. But I think the people I mentioned above have everything to do with it- horrible acting, and horrible directing. I laughed like crazy when Bruce Willis had to hold the detonator with his thumb at the end. After every single small detail of their stupid mission went wrong up to that point it sure was a big surprise when that happened, uh-huh. That's what was so wrong with this retarded movie, I was laughing when I think I was supposed to get teary-eyed and straight-faced when I was supposed to be laughing. That's Michael Bay for ya. Oh and producer of garbage, Jerry Bruckheimer too.

Remember The Titans

Did I mention Jerry Bruckheimer? What a coincidence, here's another one of his movies I hate. I know of everything on my list I'm gonna get the most flak over this one. Everybody just loves the sweet story of football triumph and racial harmony. Please, what a bunch of fake manipulative swill. I never once fell for the drama this was trying so hard to dish out especially since it was based on a true story. That's what killed me. There is no way in real life these guys strutted out onto the field in unison singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"! And when the white boy gets hospitalized and the black boy comes to see him all weepy that's when I'd had enough. I saw that whole scenario coming from a mile away. What is this, an afterschool special on race relations? Want a real football movie? Watch Friday Night Lights. Want a football/race feel good movie? Watch The Blind Side. And even Radio, which is manipulative and sappy and far-fetched in spots, is better than Titans to me.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

This could very easily be a candidate for the worst film ever made. As a matter of fact I think it holds the record for the most "flubs" in a major film. That means continuity errors and other mistakes. First off Kevin Costner is awful, absolutely awful as Robin Hood. His motivation is never clear, his accent comes and goes, and his hair looks like he just shot a Duran Duran video. What I never understood is why anybody decided to follow this Robin Hood at all. Morgan Freeman's character is far more compelling and he has BOMBS to blow crap up for goodness sake! I'd elect him the leader of the revolution!
Then there's the characters and the writing. Alan Rickman as the villain is a comic pansy that cannot be taken seriously. Maid Marion is an ass kicking ninja (??) at the beginning and nearly beats Robin Hood, but at the end she's a typically pathetic damsel in distress pinned to the floor by the aforementioned pansy villain. I guess the first half and the second half of the film were written by different people.

Sleepless In Seattle

I LOATHE this movie. When I first saw this movie after all the hype about how romantic it was, about how it was inspired by An Affair To Remember the classic romance starring Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant I was sorely disappointed. This movie is a joke. Compared to what I consider a great romantic comedy, When Harry Met Sally, this movie is empty and has what I consider a horrible message about love. Meg Ryan's character is trapped apparently in a loveless relationship with Bill Pullman, who has the sniffles *gasp* and so when she hears a widower on a radio show she falls for him.....okay, if that's putting too fine a point on it, then somebody tell me exactly what happens. They don't even meet face to face until the end and don't speak but it's "fate" I suppose. As I've said before on this blog, I want to see the next five minutes I call the "cab ride scene" where they do talk and it's revealed they have nothing in common. Then she has to crawl back to Bill Pullman and beg him to take her back!


Okay, so this won Best Picture and everyone on planet earth saw it TWICE and loved it. Well, so what. If you say it looks great and the depiction of the sinking ship was historically accurate you may be right, but as is typical of a James Cameron film the story was predictable and the characters extremely childish and paper thin. I had no sympathy for any of them plus they reminded me of characters in a bad cartoon. Billy Zane in particular plays such an over the top jerk, nothing he does seems realistic. But the worst thing about this movie is the way the real life characters like Molly Brown are just background scenery for a cheap dime store romance we can hum every note to all the way to the predictable finish. What a shame.


You can pretty much just take the review above and stick it onto this one. Once again James Cameron gives us a ground breaking cinematic feat, watched and rewatched by everyone, and yet the story and characters are cheap, familiar, and sophomoric. It doesn't help that the main character is a moron. How am I supposed to sympathize with this dunderhead? The story is ripped right from Dances With Wolves and Pocahantas and better than neither. I couldn't believe a good actor like Stephen Lang got suckered into playing the drill sergeant, an R. Lee Ermey impression so overdone by now I assumed it was supposed to make me laugh. I probably wouldn't have hated this movie so much if it weren't shoved down my throat with relentless hype as the "#1 movie of all time!" Really? It was more like a Saturday morning cartoon posing as the world's longest Go Green commercial.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

First of all, I wasn't one of these people that thought the first Pirates film was the greatest thing since Sonny and Cher broke up. I liked the first movie alright, but didn't get all of the fainting over Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow. So I guess I deserved to have hours of my life and twenty or so dollars ripped from me by the mindless, overindulgent, repetitive, disgusting, and completely pointless sequel. I have never left a theater more pissed off than after this movie and my wife felt about the same. Needless to say I never saw the third film which I've heard is even worse. Surprise, surprise.

The Matrix Reloaded

Yeah, better wear those shades in that dark room so you don't draw attention to yourself or anything, sigh. Here's another sequel that absolutely destroys the original film without prejudice or common sense. Like the Pirates sequel this was a collossal pointless waste of time. But, unlike Pirates which is supposed to be dumb mindless fun, the Wachowski brothers take all of this garbage completely serious. It's like they are trying to impress us with every meaningless line and every meaningless interminably long fight scene. How many fight scenes do we need? Well, according to these boneheads a whole bunch. Then there's the crap philosophy where character say things which make absolutely no sense. Here's an idea, maybe Keanu Reeves and philosophy don't mix, that is unless you want the audience to think this is a comedy. Anyway, I could go on and on about how this movie sucks but that would be like watching it and I think that's what the terrorists would want!

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

I grew up loving Star Wars and so it is with sadness that I have to say that the prequels SUCK! When Phantom Menace proved to be horrible, I had hope that the second film would somehow redeem the series. Oh well, so much for that frickin' pipe dream. First of all, Hayden Christensen can't act, but to further exacerbate that fact, his director AND writer was George Lucas! I couldn't believe my ears at some of this dialogue....wait, no, I saw Phantom Menace. Yeah I could believe it. As a matter of fact it wasn't even as bad!

There is so much wrong with this film I really can't see getting carpal tunnel putting it all down. But one thing that ruins all of the prequels is the way the action is SOOOOOO boring. That's because the actors look bored and the things they do are so ridiculous it might as well be a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. When they drop several stories or fly through asteroids you never believe they are in danger, since everything is CGI. No tension means boring action.

And here is the #1 worst movie I've ever seen:

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

Nothing about this movie makes sense. Nothing. I have no idea how trade routes are taxed and what's more I don't care. Lucas gives us nothing to care about from beginning to end, whether it's a monotone lifeless queen, a retarded crack addled cartoon rabbit-dog creature, TWO useless jedi, and a little kid who's acting makes Keanu Reeves seem nuanced. There is no main character. The plot is confusing and full of holes. Darth Maul is a wasted character who just looks cool and Qui Gonn is not even necessary which makes Obi-Wan's role unclear and far too limited. And of course there are long boring scenes of people talking about things nobody really cares about. They fly from here to there without any real purpose and then fly back. Nothing much is accomplished in the end but I'm sure they will make up for that in the next two movies....yeah, we know how that turned out.


Anonymous said...

How ironic if this movie was actually collectively considered by critics to be the worst movie ever. Ironic because it's opening was THE most hyped up event in movie history. People standing outside dressed up with capes and light sabers, camping out, spending the night to be first in line to get in. Talk about looking back and feeling like an idiot. Could it be THE biggest letdown in movie history? At least that if not the worst film ever made, as you suggest.

Dignan said...

I was one of those idiots unfortunately, who stood in line all day for opening day tickets. I got rained on! And to make it worse my brother-in-law who saw it with me said, "Let's go see it again." And we did a few hours later. We just walked up and bought a ticket. No line. I was pissed for being so stupid. But this illustrates how badly I wanted the film to be good only to finally realize it sucks...big time!

Hezaire said...

I think, maybe, if you rewatch these with RiffTrax you can enjoy them. I know they made Ep. 1 actually bearable. And yes, it is actually terrible.

Dignan said...

Yeah, I've watched Rifftrax and love it. Actually that and the Red Letter reviews on youtube were the inspiration for this blog post. I had formed many similar opinions about the prequels before seeing them and decided to finally get it off my chest.
Because of the years of expectation and hype I don't think there is a worse movie. Godfather 3was not in the same league as the first two but it was still a competent and watchable film. Episode I is really embarrassing.