Thursday, January 21, 2010

Top Ten reasons George Lucas is a moron!

10. Howard the Duck

9. A "musical number" smack dab in the middle of Return of the Jedi- "SPECIAL" Edition. Yes, it makes it uniquely "special", especially the way I get to see the mucus in the back of the throat of that crude James Brown stereotyped CGI monster. So glad you brought your FULL vision to the screen finally, George.

8. Amidala is a queen but Naboo is a democracy...sooooo, she's an elected queen. It's kind of like being a candystriper. She just returns to her normal life after the experience of leading her country through war and near-destruction with a better grasp on life. Maybe now she can go to college. After all George is an open-minded liberal and monarchies are bad so why not just have it both ways because every girl's fantasy is to be a queen..."in name only"!

7. The original story for Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade was going to be a haunted house movie. Not some boring adventure on several continents chasing ancient, mysterious, a haunted house. Then Spielberg said "get your head out of your....haunted house" or something like that and they made the other version. Plus, George said he already had Indiana 2 and 3 written when they did Raiders. Guess what? He lied. He says he has Star Wars 7, 8, and 9 written in his head too. Guess what? He's full of it.

6. "Only Sith deal in absolutes" Obi-Wan chides Anakin in Revenge of the Sith. "Do or do not, there is no try," Yoda advises in The Empire Strikes Back. Hmmmm, sounds pretty absolute to me.

5. All of the bad guys in Episodes 1-3 are in groups like "The Trade Federation", "The Corporate Alliance", and "The Banking Clan". I guess using the World Trade Organization would have gotten him sued. And if he just went ahead and called one the Republican Party and the dark lord something like George W. Palapatine he'd be getting way too obvious. Just so we are clear, free trade and commerce = BAD! Elected leaders who dress in opulent regal outfits presumably on the taxpayers' dime = Good. Got it.

4. Jar Jar Binks. Worst comic relief character in movie history. The fact that he doesn't lose a single limb in combat is mind boggling.

3. Greedo shooting first! Once again, the left-wing sensiblities of Lucas get the best of him. After all, Han Solo is a "good guy" right? He would never shoot first! Only evil, oil loving toads from the Trade Federation would act "pre-emptively". Gotta stick to your principles, even in galaxies far, far away and a long time ago.

2. The thinly veiled racial caricatures in Episode 1. The Trade guys are Asian, the Gungans are Jamaican, and Sam Jackson quotes scripture before he shoots you...wait, that's another movie. I just don't get the decision to give these aliens accents at all. They speak other languages in the other films and subtitles work just fine. But I guess since the new trilogy was dumbed down for people who forgot how to read they figured silly accents would let us know "these are aliens from somewhere else".

1. The decision to write and direct the new Star Wars trilogy. Phantom Menace is, in my opinion, the worst script for a major motion picture in modern times. It is bad on so many levels, some of which I already discussed. What made the original trilogy work so well was the opposite personalities of Han and Luke. Han was the wise cracking, "scoundrel" while Luke was the starry-eyed dreamer and eventually true believer. We saw both of their characters grow and mature at least as much as it's possible in a space opera. The new films have no Han Solo element. Instead we are supposedly chuckling along to the cadence of Jar Jar. Ummm, NOT. And on the serious side, well that's all we get really. Monotone, the world is ending, I love you, but I don't want to show it, etc. etc. They could have hired Chuck Norris to breathe life into these proceedings and I mean that in all seriousness. I've seen cemetaries with more life.

You see, George Lucas had escaped from the real world many years ago. He stays at Skywalker ranch with his kids who give him inspiration. It was their visionary influence that had George cast the members of NSYNC as Jedi warriors, a cameo that was pulled after much public protest before Episode 1 came to the screen. That one bit of trivia says much about the mind of Lucas and the direction he was taking the new trilogy.

Without the help of an accomplished screenwriter like Lawrence Kasdan or directors like Spielberg or Irvin Kershner what we end up with are lines like, "If Obi-Wan saw me doing this he'd be very grumpy" and "Are you brain dead?", and "Mom you say the problem with the universe is no one helps each other". That one made me get misty.

On his own George has only two real accomplishments, American Graffitti and Star Wars (1977. NOT Special Edition revisionist crap!)

Thanks for some things George, no thanks for some others

No comments: