The Wost Movies I've Ever Seen

The Worst Movies I've Ever Seen- not the worst movies ever made, because let's face it who has time in their life to compile that list? I don't think I need to tell anybody that Friday the 13th movies suck or whatever Jean-Claude Van Damme did for ten years running.

And I will put another qualifier on this topic. There are worse movies that I've seen than these ten, but they aren't popular or blockbuster type movies and so bringing them up is a waste of time. I can think of some that few people have seen, like The Power of One for example, but I think that's a good thing. This is a list of beloved, over-played flicks which suck that much more because of the undeserved praise and box office payola they received. You may ask why Pearl Harbor isn't on my list...simple, I never saw it! I was smart enough to know better after one preview. Michael Bay + Ben Affleck = cinematic swine flu.

And speaking of that awful combination:

Armageddon


This was picked as the worst movie of the year by either Siskel or Ebert the year it was released. I suggest reading Ebert's review online since it does a much better job of explaining why it sucks than I could. But I think the people I mentioned above have everything to do with it- horrible acting, and horrible directing. I laughed like crazy when Bruce Willis had to hold the detonator with his thumb at the end. After every single small detail of their stupid mission went wrong up to that point it sure was a big surprise when that happened, uh-huh. That's what was so wrong with this retarded movie, I was laughing when I think I was supposed to get teary-eyed and straight-faced when I was supposed to be laughing. That's Michael Bay for ya. Oh and producer of garbage, Jerry Bruckheimer too.

Remember The Titans


Did I mention Jerry Bruckheimer? What a coincidence, here's another one of his movies I hate. I know of everything on my list I'm gonna get the most flak over this one. Everybody just loves the sweet story of football triumph and racial harmony. Please, what a bunch of fake manipulative swill. I never once fell for the drama this was trying so hard to dish out especially since it was based on a true story. That's what killed me. There is no way in real life these guys strutted out onto the field in unison singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"! And when the white boy gets hospitalized and the black boy comes to see him all weepy that's when I'd had enough. I saw that whole scenario coming from a mile away. What is this, an afterschool special on race relations? Want a real football movie? Watch Friday Night Lights. Want a football/race feel good movie? Watch The Blind Side. And even Radio, which is manipulative and sappy and far-fetched in spots, is better than Titans to me.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves


This could very easily be a candidate for the worst film ever made. As a matter of fact I think it holds the record for the most "flubs" in a major film. That means continuity errors and other mistakes. First off Kevin Costner is awful, absolutely awful as Robin Hood. His motivation is never clear, his accent comes and goes, and his hair looks like he just shot a Duran Duran video. What I never understood is why anybody decided to follow this Robin Hood at all. Morgan Freeman's character is far more compelling and he has BOMBS to blow crap up for goodness sake! I'd elect him the leader of the revolution!
Then there's the characters and the writing. Alan Rickman as the villain is a comic pansy that cannot be taken seriously. Maid Marion is an ass kicking ninja (??) at the beginning and nearly beats Robin Hood, but at the end she's a typically pathetic damsel in distress pinned to the floor by the aforementioned pansy villain. I guess the first half and the second half of the film were written by different people.

Sleepless In Seattle


I LOATHE this movie. When I first saw this movie after all the hype about how romantic it was, about how it was inspired by An Affair To Remember the classic romance starring Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant I was sorely disappointed. This movie is a joke. Compared to what I consider a great romantic comedy, When Harry Met Sally, this movie is empty and has what I consider a horrible message about love. Meg Ryan's character is trapped apparently in a loveless relationship with Bill Pullman, who has the sniffles *gasp* and so when she hears a widower on a radio show she falls for him.....okay, if that's putting too fine a point on it, then somebody tell me exactly what happens. They don't even meet face to face until the end and don't speak but it's "fate" I suppose. As I've said before on this blog, I want to see the next five minutes I call the "cab ride scene" where they do talk and it's revealed they have nothing in common. Then she has to crawl back to Bill Pullman and beg him to take her back!

Titanic


Okay, so this won Best Picture and everyone on planet earth saw it TWICE and loved it. Well, so what. If you say it looks great and the depiction of the sinking ship was historically accurate you may be right, but as is typical of a James Cameron film the story was predictable and the characters extremely childish and paper thin. I had no sympathy for any of them plus they reminded me of characters in a bad cartoon. Billy Zane in particular plays such an over the top jerk, nothing he does seems realistic. But the worst thing about this movie is the way the real life characters like Molly Brown are just background scenery for a cheap dime store romance we can hum every note to all the way to the predictable finish. What a shame.

Avatar


You can pretty much just take the review above and stick it onto this one. Once again James Cameron gives us a ground breaking cinematic feat, watched and rewatched by everyone, and yet the story and characters are cheap, familiar, and sophomoric. It doesn't help that the main character is a moron. How am I supposed to sympathize with this dunderhead? The story is ripped right from Dances With Wolves and Pocahantas and better than neither. I couldn't believe a good actor like Stephen Lang got suckered into playing the drill sergeant, an R. Lee Ermey impression so overdone by now I assumed it was supposed to make me laugh. I probably wouldn't have hated this movie so much if it weren't shoved down my throat with relentless hype as the "#1 movie of all time!" Really? It was more like a Saturday morning cartoon posing as the world's longest Go Green commercial.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest


First of all, I wasn't one of these people that thought the first Pirates film was the greatest thing since Sonny and Cher broke up. I liked the first movie alright, but didn't get all of the fainting over Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow. So I guess I deserved to have hours of my life and twenty or so dollars ripped from me by the mindless, overindulgent, repetitive, disgusting, and completely pointless sequel. I have never left a theater more pissed off than after this movie and my wife felt about the same. Needless to say I never saw the third film which I've heard is even worse. Surprise, surprise.

The Matrix Reloaded


Yeah, better wear those shades in that dark room so you don't draw attention to yourself or anything, sigh. Here's another sequel that absolutely destroys the original film without prejudice or common sense. Like the Pirates sequel this was a collossal pointless waste of time. But, unlike Pirates which is supposed to be dumb mindless fun, the Wachowski brothers take all of this garbage completely serious. It's like they are trying to impress us with every meaningless line and every meaningless interminably long fight scene. How many fight scenes do we need? Well, according to these boneheads a whole bunch. Then there's the crap philosophy where character say things which make absolutely no sense. Here's an idea, maybe Keanu Reeves and philosophy don't mix, that is unless you want the audience to think this is a comedy. Anyway, I could go on and on about how this movie sucks but that would be like watching it and I think that's what the terrorists would want!

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones


I grew up loving Star Wars and so it is with sadness that I have to say that the prequels SUCK! When Phantom Menace proved to be horrible, I had hope that the second film would somehow redeem the series. Oh well, so much for that frickin' pipe dream. First of all, Hayden Christensen can't act, but to further exacerbate that fact, his director AND writer was George Lucas! I couldn't believe my ears at some of this dialogue....wait, no, I saw Phantom Menace. Yeah I could believe it. As a matter of fact it wasn't even as bad!

There is so much wrong with this film I really can't see getting carpal tunnel putting it all down. But one thing that ruins all of the prequels is the way the action is SOOOOOO boring. That's because the actors look bored and the things they do are so ridiculous it might as well be a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. When they drop several stories or fly through asteroids you never believe they are in danger, since everything is CGI. No tension means boring action.

And here is the #1 worst movie I've ever seen:

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace


Nothing about this movie makes sense. Nothing. I have no idea how trade routes are taxed and what's more I don't care. Lucas gives us nothing to care about from beginning to end, whether it's a monotone lifeless queen, a retarded crack addled cartoon rabbit-dog creature, TWO useless jedi, and a little kid who's acting makes Keanu Reeves seem nuanced. There is no main character. The plot is confusing and full of holes. Darth Maul is a wasted character who just looks cool and Qui Gonn is not even necessary which makes Obi-Wan's role unclear and far too limited. And of course there are long boring scenes of people talking about things nobody really cares about. They fly from here to there without any real purpose and then fly back. Nothing much is accomplished in the end but I'm sure they will make up for that in the next two movies....yeah, we know how that turned out.

World Cup Soccer

Every four years I enjoy watching the World Cup. I have been paying attention to this global event since the U.S.A. hosted it in 1994 and since I grew up playing soccer it wasn't hard for me to embrace the spectacle. But every four years I am reminded (repeatedly!) how much people in America hate soccer. I hear it everywhere, from talking heads on TV like Letterman, Leno, and even Glenn Beck, to radio, to my own family! Since I have observed the debate on soccer (or football as it's known everywhere but here) I thought now was a good time to put in my two and half cents.





First of all, I have never thought soccer was a better sport than our big 3 American sports, football, baseball, and basketball. I am first and foremost a football fan, that is American football. If anyone ever looks at this blog they probably know that Alabama Crimson Tide football is my first love, sports-wise. I love college football and the SEC specifically above all. I also really like the NFL. Nothing competes with these on television. TV was created to air football games....just my opinion. I also love baseball which has its haters as well. I like basketball, I don't necessarily love it, but if my favorite teams are winning, I can be just as passionate about it as any other sport. Soccer however is the sport of my youth. I played from the 3rd grade up into high school. I was in excellent shape and even made the 8th grade basketball team as a result. I could barely make a shot but I outhustled every one of my teammates in practice because it was a breeze compared to soccer practices.


Anyway, what I find comical is the way every four years when the World Cup comes around Americans everywhere act like they've never heard of this new thing called soccer! "What, you mean you can't touch it with your hands...what a dumb sport" "The clock counts up, not down?" "Why don't they stop the clock for injuries or take time outs?" "You mean they can end in a scoreless tie?!!!"

I hear how boring it is, how pointless it is, how wussy or wimpy it is or even that it's a communist sport! But most baffling to me of all is that every time I hear a bash soccer rant invariably this phrase is uttered "Soccer fans are so elitist. They say if you don't like soccer 'you don't get it'. Oh, I get it, I just think it sucks. They are always shoving soccer down our throats. Well, this is America and we don't like boring, sissy sports blah blah blah..." I also have heard how it "waters down" our beloved American sports because soccer Moms put their kids in soccer at the expense of football or baseball, etc. I call all of this "Exhibit A in the court of ironic opinions"



I'm not saying these professed "soccer elitists" don't exist it's just that I've never met one! I like soccer and the words "you just don't get it" have never crossed my lips. On the other hand the elitists I do encounter, by the frickin' boatload, are soccer bashing American fans who can't wait to jump on the "Soccer Sucks!" bandwagon every four years when the World Cup is on. I've been listening to it for weeks now. Is there no ability for introspection anymore? Isn't it a bit obvious that the arrogant attitude is not coming from FIFA or soccer enthusiasts but YOU? And maybe if I'd never played I wouldn't be interested, but even then I can't imagine being so narrow as to bash it because others like it so much. I personally couldn't care less what other people like or don't like...until I am repeatedly berated with their opinion obviously. It is also interesting that nobody ever complains about tennis or golf "watering down" American sports, after all those were created by the Brits just like soccer.

Funny how nobody ever complains about American football being shoved down our throats or even NASCAR, which I don't give half a rip about but I see it on TV constantly. Maybe because these self-deluded soccer haters are fans of those sports, and no one ever complains about things they like being forced upon them. Besides it's a free country you know, nobody is holding a gun to your head and making you watch something you hate. Yes, it is obvious that ESPN and other entities on TV want soccer to catch on more in this country and so they might have an agenda, but when they put on a WNBA game I just turn the channel, I don't call in radio shows to vent about how much I hate women's basketball! But the difference between the WNBA or NASCAR or even the NFL and the World Cup is obvious. It's only the biggest sporting event on the planet! Soccer, no matter how much Americans may loathe it, is played all over this country and is the only sport played on every single continent. You don't have to like it, but the crusade to make people hate it is much more annoying and futile than any attempt at shoving it down people's throats. And like the Olympics when it's an international competition and the USA is involved I tend to have a patriotic urge to pay attention. Call me crazy.



Anwyay, the match of the century is coming on so I gotta go....Argentina v. Germany. This should decide the whole enchilada. But don't worry, I won't judge anyone who doesn't feel compelled to watch.

My Favorite Music Artists of all time

(Elvis Presley won "favorite founding father of rock" in the last poll. Thanks.)


Well, it's about time. I am resisting the urge with all my might to make this a top ten mostly because after my top two there is a bunch of parity in my mind. I will save those top two for last.


Pink Floyd

I'm not that interested in anything Waters or Gilmour have done since the band broke up but when they were making music together it was by far the best in the world. Dark Side of the Moon is in my opinion the premiere rock album and Wish You Were Here is close behind it.


Radiohead


I believe until Larry Mullen Jr. hangs up his sticks for the final time U2 holds the title of "greatest band in the world" but Radiohead is by far the most talented, relevant, and creative. They are the heirs apparent in my opinion. Many great bands create one masterpiece, but each successive album Radiohead produces is a new groundbreaking tour-de-force. I look forward to many more years of inventiveness.


The 77s


Outside of Christian circles this band is virtually unknown. I have been following them since the early 90s after their "fifteen minutes of fame" when Island records released their self-titled third album. Mike Roe is over fifty now but continues recording with the new lineup. They've done every genre of music from New Wave, to blues, to hard rock, to rockabilly. I sometimes feel like the only person in their fanbase but I don't care. They are still one of my favorites.


Elvis Presley


I am unashamed in my admiration for "The King" even as it has become sort of a novelty. I feel like I'm on a mission to preach his worthiness to each new generation of doubters. He is NOT the first "Backstreet Boy" as someone recently said to me! When Sam Phillips first heard him sing "That's Alright Mama" and it's B-side, the Bill Monroe bluegrass standard "Blue Moon of Kentucky" he realized this was something new, something that would get people's attention. Not once did Sam think, "this dude sure has a pretty face, I think I'll make him famous."

I watched the Paul McCartney documentary "The Real Buddy Holly Story" recently and not only was Buddy Holly a huge fan of Elvis, but the original Crickets said they went to see Elvis when he came to Lubbock because "we didn't know what he looked like". They didn't even know for sure if he was white. It was all about the sound. The image came soon enough. Yes, he made lots of really bad movies and sullied that image some, but the raw talent was always there. I am a fan of the early Elvis, before the pills, before the rhinestone jumpsuits. Like Hank Williams less than a decade before and Robert Johnson a few decades before that, Elvis had a voice that cut through the fog, stood out among imitators, and forged a new era in music.


Elvis with fellow Sun Records star B.B. King

B.B. King


Although I am a huge Muddy Waters fan, I consider B.B. the undisputed "king of the blues". He crossed genres more effectively than any other blues artist but has always stayed true to his own style. The voice, the guitar, the songwriting are the best of all in the blues genre. He puts a passion into it that nobody else can match. As I've already mentioned on this blog I have seen B.B. live twice and those were experiences I will forever cherish. I love B.B. King!


Bob Dylan


He's a genius. Actually, we throw that word around way too much in our culture, but he is the only person on this list or maybe in all of modern music that can be accurately described that way. Dylan sees things in a way nobody else does and writes about them in a way nobody else is capable of. When David Crosby of The Byrds first heard him he said "what's so great about this guy? He doesn't even have a good voice" Then after reading the lyrics to "Mr. Tambourine Man" he quickly said, "Yep, he's a genius". Lyrically there is no equal to Dylan as a songwriter, and musically he's in very lofty company as well. Once in a while I need a Dylan fix and just about any of his early albums will do the trick, but my favorites I've already chronicled on this blog if anyone is interested in finding them.


Dylan with "The Man in Black"

Johnny Cash


"...The Memphis Flash, didn't smoke hash, woulda been a sissy without Johnny Cash!"
-Bono on Elvis in his poem "American David"
Johnny Cash is bigger than country. He's bigger than life. What makes him so awesome in my estimation is that, like Bob Dylan, he defies all conventions of his supposed genre and steams his own trail. There are no other artists comparable to him. When you hear a Johnny Cash song it is totally his. Unlike Elvis and others, The Man in Black cannot be imitated, he is too unique. He was and is revered in Nashville, probably because nobody else there could walk as tall or exude coolness the way he did. We miss you Johnny.


Hank Williams


I guess I'm just a sucker for "kings". I love the king of the blues, the king of rock 'n roll, and I love the King of Country. Hank is among the most important musical figures of the 20th century. His music crosses genres even though it was probably never intended to by him. Tony Bennett made "Cold, Cold Heart" popular in a jazz setting. Norah Jones has also recorded it. Beck is famous for performing Hank's songs in concert. Personally there are few things in life that can compete with a Hank Williams song in my book. I like them as much as chocolate or a good beer. A Hank tune will pick me up any time of day in any situation. His voice, like Elvis, is unmistakeable, powerful, soulful, beautiful. Every one else that every sang a country song pales in comparison, even country crooners like George Jones. I always sing along too, I just can't help myself. What's so amazing is that he was only 29 when he died and his career spanned all of four years. Like a comet. What a legacy!


U2


My love for U2 stems from a perfect storm in my life. If I had not begun listening when I did they wouldn't probably be as important to me. But when Rattle and Hum first came to theaters I was an impressionable 14-year-old who up until that time listened to only Christian music or Top 40 garbage. U2 was my first experience with "real music" so to speak. Of course they have become extremely commercial since then and many have disowned them for that. I will always be a fan but I recognize most of their best work was done decades ago.

Anyway, back to the beginning. I saw the movie and then bought all of their music. I was an awkward and troubled young man with few friends so I would turn to U2's music as a refuge. I watched my own video of Rattle and Hum over and over. I watched Under a Blood Red Sky a bunch too. There are certainly more talented bands, there are more creative songwriters too, but U2 has an intangible quality, a "passion" that nobody in music can match for me. Bono is much loved and much reviled for his outspoken nature and his showmanship. I still think he's the greatest frontman rock has ever seen (with all due respect to Jim Morrison, Freddie Mercury, Roger Daltrey, Mick Jagger and many other greats)Whether they "sold out" or whatever I love them and always will.


The Beatles


Well, who else? I have always liked The Beatles. Even before my U2 "conversion" I was a Beatles fan. Now, I only liked their harmless early stuff, because like I said I was young and knew nothing about music. But in my late teens and early 20s I was die-hard into all of their music. I listened to "The White Album" and Abbey Road at least once a week. I worked with a guy who was a Beatles fanatic and he told me all of the stories he knew about them, the "Paul is Dead" clues and all that. I had a video of A Hard Day's Night the movie which I used to watch with my daughter (now 13) and she would ask to "watch Ringo" all the time when she learned to talk. I remember the cover of that video falling apart. We have it on DVD now of course as well as Help!. The importance of The Beatles to modern music would encompass way more than this blog post so I will leave it for now. But the simple fact is nobody is bigger than them, not even Elvis. And to me nobody is better than them although I love U2 just as much.
But I could go for a Hank Williams song right now....


Apologies to Led Zeppelin who almost made the list and I've decided to make a separate list for my favorite jazz artists. There are too many to list here.

Top 15 American Rock 'N Roll Songs

(The Wonder Years and The Cosby Show TIED for favorite 80s sitcom. I guess I should get more people to vote so we don't have this problem....)

Here are 15 songs that I think should be considered the best when discussing American rock music. The British have dominated many lists of the greatest music with acts like The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, The Who and so on. But all of those groups were influenced first by the original rock and rollers on this side of the Atlantic. Some of the songs on this list came before the "British Invasion" and deserve their place in the history of 20th century music.

There are a couple of great American songs I couldn't fit in the top 15 that do deserve mention for their contribution to rock history. Bill Haley and The Comets pretty much fired the first shot of the rock 'n roll revolution when their hit song "Rock Around The Clock" appeared over the title of the 1955 film Blackboard Jungle. Soon they were playing to packed houses on both sides of the Atlantic. That song is still as catchy today as when it was written. Another classic, "Ain't That A Shame" by Fats Domino is well written, nearly forgotten, and almost made the cut. "Truckin'" by The Grateful Dead is another great song with great harmony and country roots which deserves to be mentioned. And I was struggling with "Sittin' On The Dock of the Bay" by the late great Otis Redding, but finally couldn't fit it in either.

Anyway, here are the 15 songs I think are at the top:

15. Sweet Home Alabama- Lynryd Skynryd



Although The Allmann Brothers Band is the greatest Southern rock group, this is the best song of that genre. Many might pick "Ramblin' Man" or "Free Bird" ahead of it but not me. If I had to make a list of the "Most Redneck Songs" then "Free Bird" would take the top spot for sure.

14. Respect- Aretha Franklin



The only woman on the list and the only woman who can hang with any of these guys. Nobody to this day can belt it out like the Queen of Soul. This of course was an Otis Redding song which Aretha took to new heights with a female point of view.

13. Whole Lotta Shakin' Going On- Jerry Lee Lewis



The Killer had a short career in the early days of rock but it sure packed a punch. Few could rival his eccentric stage performances and few have ever rocked the keys like Jerry Lee.

12. Papa's Got a Brand New Bag- James Brown



This is the song that put The Godfather of Soul on the map. There are plenty of songs as good or better in his huge catalogue but this one is the most important.

11. L.A. Woman- The Doors



This wasn't the first hit by the Doors (actually, I think it was the last) nor was it their most popular, but for my money it is their best. It has all of the elements that made them one of America's top bands of all time, Bluesy guitar, funky keys, and Jim Morrison's powerful deep vocals.

10. Long Tall Sally- Little Richard



Although "Tutti Frutti" was Little Richard's first hit, this was his first #1 and was subsequently recorded by Elvis, The Beatles, and The Kinks. Ironically it was Pat Boone's cover of the song that led to its commercial success.

9. Blue Suede Shoes- Carl Perkins



Carl Perkins was one of rock and roll's great singer-songwriters in the early days like Little Richard, and Chuck Berry. This classic was taken to new heights by Elvis Presley.

8. What's Going On?- Marvin Gaye



Number One Soul recording of all time.

7. That'll Be The Day- Buddy Holly



The hit that jumpstarted Buddy's career which was cut way too short but influenced EVERYBODY from The Beatles and Rolling Stones to The Grateful Dead.

6. Good Vibrations- The Beach Boys



Brian Wilson is recognized as one of the top songwriters in rock history. The Beach Boys have plenty of songs worthy of being mentioned here but this "mini-symphony" with its use of a theremin and a studio cost of approximately $50,000 to make, is by far their best single.

5. Purple Haze- Jimi Hendrix



This guitar riff is one of the most recoginizable in rock history, which makes this song the doorway to the world of the greatest rock guitarist who ever lived!

4. Heartbreak Hotel- Elvis Presley



Before this record, Elvis was a regional success but not only did "Heartbreak Hotel" become his first #1 hit it changed the face of American music forever. Years later it would hit #1 again on the country charts when Willie Nelson and Leon Russell did a cover version.

3. What'd I Say- Ray Charles



This could easily be numero uno on this list. There are few records more important or more controversial than this one. It is arguably the first "soul" song on record because it crossed over from the R&B to the pop charts. This is the cornerstone for the motown, funk and hip-hop sounds that came later. The song has been recorded by numerous artists in different genres including Johnny Cash, Elvis Presley, Eric Clapton, Eddie Cochran, Van Morrison, Steve Winwood, and even Nancy Sinatra. Mick Jagger, John Lennon, Paul McCartney and Brian Wilson have all said it was a major influence on their songwiting. George Harrison once said, "It was one of the best records I ever heard."

2. Like a Rolling Stone- Bob Dylan



This also could be number one. Rolling Stone magazine (gee, I wonder why) voted it #1 on their Top 500 songs list back in 2004. It is almost impossible to describe why it is so good. If you've heard it and you don't know why I suggest you keep listening. It's sort of like the pinnacle for Dylan, the perfect sample of his genius: a combination of biting but poetic lyrics and a wall of sound that defies convention. There are very few songs I relish singing along with as much as Rolling Stone. It was a favorite of Jimi Hendrix, Frank Zappa, and The Beatles and has been covered too many times to reference.

1. Johnny B Goode- Chuck Berry



The bottom line is simply stated: This IS rock and roll. If an alien lifeform landed on earth and wanted an explanation of what rock music is this is the song to play. Chuck Berry had already created a few hits, "Maybellene" being the first, but nothing he had done compared to the raw power of this classic. I imagine kids hearing it for the first time in 1958 and thinking it was the wildest, fastest, and rockingest music on earth. It still cooks over half a century later. Evidence of it's influence and impact is that it is one of the most covered songs in rock history, most famously in the movie Back to the Future. As Marty McFly takes the guitar from injured "Marvin Berry" (supposedly Chuck's cousin) and jams out the guitar staple you get a sense of what those '58 teens experienced!

Here's a short list of some that covered Johnny B. Goode: Elvis Presley, The Rolling Stones, Judas Priest, John Mayer Trio, Carlos Santana, Buddy Holly, Led Zeppelin, The Grateful Dead, Jimi Hendrix, Prince, Lynryd Skynyrd, The Beach Boys, B.B. King, Elton John, and The Carpenters!

Things that don't make sense

Here are some things that don't make sense. Maybe somebody can make heads or tails of them for me.


Why is the one guy not as excited as his friends? Don't you love that scooter, man?



Safety is important.



Some parents take esteem-building very seriously.



Ummmm. I, uh. I give up.



Uh, that's....um. He....and the...hmmmm, uh. Rourke, you are either way too cool for planet earth or...



Why is this person famous?



Seriously. Why is this person famous? If you ask me why Tori Spelling is famous.... easy, her Dad is Aaron Spelling. But who is this guy related to? Mariah?

Academy Blunders

(Vampires are the favorite horror genre, thanks for voting.)

In case you didn't know the Academy Awards is on today. I don't watch them anymore mostly because we already have a competition for the mentally challenged we call the Special Olympics and those people actually deserve the awards they get since they actually accomplished something. But since they get all gussied up in Hollywood and hand out little trophies to each other for the most convincing make believe I figure I will give my two cents on some recent choices I believe should have gone another direction.

"Wait, Dignan," you say, "didn't you already take the Oscars to task on this blog? I seem to remember reading this before." To which I respond...."hahahahaha, you have to be kidding, nobody reads anything around here!"

Actually I did take a look at past awards in the major categories, including a year- by-year of the Best Picture winners and what should have won, if you have the "point and click" fortitude to look it up. But this is different. The past few years there have been some films win Best Picture when the ones I would have rewarded weren't even nominated. Here's a few examples of what I mean:


2008 Best Picture
Actual Winner-Slumdog Millionaire

What should have won?

Balls of Fury


Legend has it that Bruce Lee's original vision for Enter the Dragon was an international ping-pong tournament hosted by a nefarious crime lord at a secret location. The producers had to convince him that the public just wasn't ready for an idea that far ahead of its time. After much inner conflict Bruce decided to make it a kung-fu competition and the results were pretty good. But finally, the original vision has been brought to the screen and you can see why Bruce wasn't completely satisfied with his downgraded version.
They created this masterwork with the talents of Paul Rodriguez as Agent Lopez...I mean, sorry, George Lopez as Agent Rodriguez, Aisha Tyler in some sexy outfits and a blowdart gun, and some pudgy funny guy who ISN'T Jonah Hill. But what makes the movie work so well is the villain played by Christopher Walken. It is a shame after so many years of work he couln't earn an Oscar for this role which is easily the best he's had since The Deer Hunter. Shame on you Academy. I am furious that you didn't have the balls to award Balls of Fury!!!

2006 Best Picture
Actual winner- The Departed

What should have won?

Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby



C'mon man! Do I really need to explain why this movie should have won? Everybody who has seen it knows it was the best movie of that year. Everybody and their third cousin can quote Ricky Bobby's prayer to baby Jesus! Anyway, if there's one thing you know about me it's probably that I LOVE movies about NASCAR. It's really a toss-up between this one and Herbie: Fully Loaded which has arguably the best performance of Lindsay Lohan's career since that Parent Trap remake I can't seem to watch enough. Some weekends when I just don't want to get out of bed and face the world, I pop some Lite popcorn, open up some Ginger Ale with a twist of lemon and watch the new Parent Trap all day long.........but, I digress. Will Farrell should have won best actor and Sasha Baron Cohen should have won best supporting actor as the gay French race car guy (that was a redundant description don't you think?) and Amy Adams should win best actress every year for every movie she's in! The kids were named Walker and Texas Ranger! I don't remember anything in Scorsese's movie as clever as that! Oscars, you make me sick!

2005 Best Picture
Actual winner- Crash

What should have won?

Wedding Crashers



Who cares about a bunch of racists and how much they can be racist and stuff? That Crash movie didn't even make sense. But Wedding Crashers, that was pure movie heaven. I think Rachel McAdams should win an Oscar for every movie she's in every year. Once again Christopher Walken turns in his best performance since the headless horseman in Sleepy Hollow or at least that Fatboy Slim video where he flies through the air. Oh, and guess who else is in this classic? Will Farrell! I'm seeing a pattern somehow. I don't know what that means, I just like sounding smart like my friends. This movie was as much fun as Marley and Me without that stupid dog. You suck Academy Awards!

And the 2009 winner won't be Next Day Air or Zombieland because neither was nominated. What have we become I ask you? It is inconceivable...you know, like the funny guy with a lisp in the Princess Bride movie! I'm always saying funny things like that.