Friday, January 16, 2009

Where's my golden parachute?!!


You don't need a magnifying glass just click the pic.



And while we bail out failures we punish the successful...


A letter from the Boss

To All My Valued Employees,
There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of
this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the
economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges.
However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to
your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing
political landscape in this country.

However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might
help you decide what is in your best interests.
First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers
against employees, you have to understand that for every business
owner there is a Back Story. This back story is often neglected and
overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my
Mercedes outside. You've seen my home at last years Christmas party.
I'm sure; all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized
thoughts about my life.

However, what you don't see is the BACK STORY :
I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300
square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment
was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into
building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.
My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I
spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla
with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often
times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking
and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work,
discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made
a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove
flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer
clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom's for the latest hot
fashion item, I was trolling through the discount store extracting
any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's.
My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I,
however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a
business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be
able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check
in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off"
button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have
a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom.
I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no
rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this
business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs
child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the
nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations... you never realize the
Back Story and the sacrifices I've made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the
right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people
who didn't. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel
entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed decades
of my life for.

Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I've paid is
steep and not without wounds.
Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you,
is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me
tell you why:
I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay
enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and
use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment
taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these
taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him.
Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes
with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to
the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my
"stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.
The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the
guy who has provided 23 people good paying jobs and serves over
2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the
single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting
for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter
is the economic stimulus of this country.

The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd
quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's
nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I
agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don't understand .. to stimulate the
economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly
government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess
what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington
black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and
generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have
enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and
better salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't
defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back
to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at
the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must
stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington
believe the poor of America are the essential drivers of the
American economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth
and this is the type of change you can keep. So where am I going
with all this?

It's quite simple.
If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will
be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can
then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV,
and your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more.

Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and
retire. You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalizes
the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work
and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my
citizenship.
So, if you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy;
it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through
this country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed
its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a
beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about....


Signed,

THE BOSS




We can only dream!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

It's a New Year, full of possibilities, full of hope! I already have a headache!

This new year is starting out with so much promise I don't know where to begin.

How about the state of Minnesota where pro wrestler Jesse Ventura was once Governor and mediocre has-been comic Al Franken is now Senator? HA, those Minnesotans kill me. St. Paul- it's just like Hollywood but without the nice weather, nice looking people, or as many excuses for being so stupid.

They're fighting in Israel again. I'm still on the waiting list for season tickets. Hopefully I'll have front row seats when Armageddon finally goes down. Thank God we have Obama to handle things when Iran nukes Israel, Israel nukes Iran, and then Russia joins the fight. Thanks American electorate!!*

*sometimes sarcasm doesn't translate very well on the internet, so just in case you missed it.... Thanks for nothing morons!!!

The BCS is once again a resounding success (again...sarcasm) Apparently "USC is the best team in the country"TM (property of ESPN commentators, any other use is prohibited) and Utah remains unbeaten with no shot at a National Title. Will the Championship Game winner be the "real champion" or will the AP jump ship like they did in 2003 and create a co-championsip? We cling to the edge of our seats holding our collective breath....

More job losses every day, more scandal and in-fighting among the Democrats in power, and Tom Cruise stars in a new movie. What's next?

Oh well, Happy New Year anyway!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Christmas Memories

I remember that one year when the lake froze and we walked out on it for the first time. I also remember I had to pee so bad I didn't care about the magic snowman who talked to us and told us he knew Santa Claus personally. I ran home and almost didn't make it, but boy what relief. I never saw my friend Derrick again. Maybe he went with that snowman guy and met the real Santa. Some guys get all the luck.

I remember the Christmas I bought my wife that new Kawasaki gas powered weedeater. She was so thrilled she was speechless. I felt bad for her though, because there was a foot of snow outside and she wouldn't get to actually use it for months. But I was prepared for that. I also got her a new mop and a whole box of rubber gloves. Who loves ya babe?


Probably my best Christmas memory is the time my Uncle Billy misplaced 8000 bucks and I was about to jump off a bridge into an icy river when I was visited by three ghosts, one at 1:00, two at 2:00, and the third was from that Def Leppard video. I told them I walked through the Lincoln tunnel to find my real father and get an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle and if I didn't I was going to steal Christmas, everything from the Who hash to the roast beast. Then they put me on trial for my threats and to prove there was no Santa Claus until the post office intervened by sending Yukon Cornelius to tell me "You'll shoot your eye out kid!" I had no earthly idea what he was talking about. They dismissed the trial but I was back in court only a few weeks later because my delinquent parents flew off to France without me, and also I was sued for assault by two crooks who tried to rob my house. Apparently it isn't legal to burn, impale, shoot, drop an iron on, or threaten with a tarantula...um...people. My neighbor just paid a fine though, for hitting them with a snow shovel, so I feel good about the case. So that was a pretty good Christmas I guess. Oh, and if a train comes down your street to take you to the North Pole and nobody else sees it but you, stay in bed, trust me. It's a nightmare. I think I still have whiplash. Also, while I'm thinking about it, if you see Santa on your roof, don't call out to him or he'll slip and die and you might have to replace him. Stick to Buzz Lightyear and we'll all be better off, thanks.

Happy Christmas memories!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Underrated Christmas Classics

We all know about It's A Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, and A Christmas Story. Elf is quickly becoming a holiday favorite, and movies like Holiday Inn , Scrooge (with Albert Finney), and White Christmas are finally getting their due with new DVD releases prominently displayed in stores. But there are a few gems out there still relatively obscure and deserving of annual appreciation. Here are just a few I consider underrated classics:


Christmas In Connecticut

This Barbra Stanwyck film was remade a few years ago, but the original still holds up with that idyllic feeling of white Christmases from a simpler time. Of course what Stanwyck's character has to accomplish to get that picture perfect holiday is not so simple.


The Bishop's Wife

Another classic remade, but sorry Denzel Washington, there's only one Cary Grant! In the same vein that made It's A Wonderful Life a masterpiece- angel + Christmas = holiday magic. Cary Grant, Loretta Young, and David Niven make a good team in this one and it only gets better with repeated viewings.


The Shop Around The Corner

Sensing a theme yet? Yes, this was also remade as You've Got Mail or as I call it You've Got To Be Kidding, because the original is such a great film. Director Ernst Lubitsch who made many great films said this was his best, and most critics would agree. As a matter of fact some critics have said this is the greatest Christmas film ever made. Better than It's A Wonderful Life?...Sorry, don't think so. But still, like that other Jimmy Stewart classic, The Shop Around The Corner only gets better with age. Watch it every Christmas...and more!




Ernest Save Christmas

There's a certain sophistication and panache about Varney's slapstick which creates an ambient faux sense of Victorian Christmas deja vu and leaves the viewer entranced with a bittersweet pining for holidays remembered and hope to come. The comedic subtleties are nuanced so precariously on the precipice of lunacy you feel giddy with joy to the point that other senses create their own universe. I even thought I smelled holly berries and the crisp currants of whipped Christmas strudel.

...Just kidding.
I don't even remember watching that crap. I just couldn't think of any other underrated films since most Christmas movies suck!

Enjoy watching and Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Shutout!


Mark Ingram shoots the gap.


Terrence Cody and Bobby Greenwood bring the pain!




Glenn Coffee chewing up yards!


John Parker Wilson celebrates another score!


"Mount" Cody celebrates victory!


Coach Saban's First Iron Bowl Victory


Bobby Greenwood

Friday, November 28, 2008

Black Friday Leftovers

In honor of Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving when we pull out the mayo and leftover turkey for some turkey sandwiches, I thought I would pull out a leftover for your amusement. Here's some recycled humor from the blog going back to the beginning...

Media Anxiety Disorder
Do you ever go for a few days or weeks without watching the news and then you have no idea what's going on in the world? You go to work one Monday and you're like "Burt and Lonnie got a divorce?!" Everyone around is wondering why your haircut and shoes are relatively up to date and you aren't wearing a bolo tie. Which reminds me...

3 things that seemed really great at the time but now we wonder why they ever happened:

Bolo ties
Astro turf
Joni and Chachi



Are there certain songs you used to really like, maybe very good songs, that now you loathe passionately because they remind you of something or somoeone you'd rather NOT remember?
Like the song you were enjoying right before your transmission went out that time, and now if it's ever playing at Quizno's while you're eating your Angus Steak you get a sudden tightness in your stomach reminiscing about having to put $1800 on your credit card and the smell of that cheap, dingy hotel you had to stay in while it was being fixed because you were on a road trip 300 miles from home.
-Or the one that comes on periodically that you absolutely loved in your younger days because you and your sweetie-pie chose it to be "our song" and now it just reminds you of how that special someone dumped you so you could "just be friends" assuring you repeatedly that "it's not you, it's me" but had no problem making out with someone who wasn't "just a friend" two weeks later at the prom!
-Or the one that played every single friggin' day over the Muzak in the department store you worked in for a whole year and now every time you hear it you feel like you're back folding crappy Bugle Boy apparel and straightening ties for an hour straight, or whatever you had to straighten.
Please let me know if I left any particular painful memory out.


Mmmm, this homemade stuffing is even better the day after. Enjoy the rest of your leftovers (especially the pumpkin pie!) and get some of that Christmas shopping done. Peace out!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

What I'm thankful for in 2008

I'm thankful that Alabama is ranked #1 for the first time since 1992!

I'm thankful that the interminably long and obnoxious political campaign season is OVER!

I'm thankful that "Bush derangement syndrome" is almost over.

I'm thankful that we finally have a black president so I can complain about the MAN keeping me down for a change!

I'm thankful that freedom of speech on blogs, including sarcasm and biting criticism of political lefties is still legal (for now).

I'm thankful to the judges on Dancing With The Stars for letting Warren Sapp make it to the finals, because otherwise I wouldn't be on the edge of my seat...in muted anticipation.

I'm thankful that Ben Affleck hasn't been in a movie for so long I can't remember.

I'm thankful for Daniel Craig making 007 super cool again.

I'm thankful that the Detroit Lions can finally break the record as the only winless team in NFL history. (Let's keep our fingers crossed!!)

I'm thankful that 24 is finally back on TV. Unfortunately, I missed the 2 hour special so now I have to wait a year for the DVDs. I need Tivo.

I'm thankful that Simon Pegg and Ricky Gervais keep making movies and keep making me laugh.

I'm thankful that others are starting to figure out Adam Sandler isn't that funny.

I'm thankful that U2 is in the studio working on their 12th album and it will be out next year.

I'm thankful for everyone who actually reads all of this crap everytime I post. Thank you.

I'm thankful for friends, family, the U.S.A., the U.S. military, Turner Classic Movies, cheesesteaks, burritos, good music, good movies, college football, online movie rentals, mp3s, Thomas Sowell, Alison Krauss, the Coen brothers, Coach Nick Saban, Sarah Palin, my wife, my kids, and Jesus Christ, THE dauphin of daylight.

Happy Thanksgiving!